Pointless and humorous interactions I sometimes run into working at a hotel

I had a lot of respect for humans and their intelligence,until I started working at a hotel and realized that I was somewhat wrong.This is a three star Hotel with one star review on all the review websites .I must agree that the clientele we get at this Hotel doesn’t represent the majority of hotel customers but it’s worth noting the people and their intellect just to have a good laugh.
In these transcripts I will not use real name of the Hotel and the city where it’s located for obvious reasons.I will call it Hilton Hotel located in Santa Barbara.
First I will post actual transcript of our conversation which will be italicized .And that will be followed by what I actually wanted to say back to customer bluntly in red color but couldn’t say for obvious reasons.My color choosing has nothing to do with my love or hate towards customers.
Customer on the phone:Are the rooms clean?
me:(after a long sigh )Yes.

What I actually wanted to say:No,we rent dirty rooms.We get them cleaned only once a month.We’ve been doing it for years and no one has complained.Hey,shhh….Don’t tell health department,ok?If you do,I will come to
your house and make your rooms dirty too.The better way to say that would be Why don’t you come here and I’ll let you check out a room and then you tell me,your feedback is always welcome,sir.I will probably hire you
to clean it properly.

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When they are at the desk to check-in and I ask for a deposit money .

Customer:Why do you want the deposit?
Me:It’s for incidentals.
Customer:Do I get it back in the morning?
Me:Yes

What I actually wanted to say:So,now I have to explain the definition of the word despoit to you? Deposit means if you damage the room,put stains on the carpet,steal coffee machine then we can atleast charge you,that way we
are partially covered if not fully.Since you have asked the most brutal and senseless question,I must charge you two times what we charge others because you sure are going to do something that is going to require us to either
call out maintenance guy or upgrade the room.It is just like insurance for us.That’s what the purpose is behind that,we keep some extra money from you so you’ll behave yourself and think twice before acting like a drunk
teenager in the room.If you behave yourself you will get it back so you can buy more drugs and alcohol.

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Stupid questions On the phone. 
Customer: Where are you guys located?
Me: Santa Barbara
Customer:Which exit do I take?
Me:Can you tell me which freeway you are on and the direction?

What I actually wanted to say:What the heck do you mean which exit do I take?You think I know where you’re right now?I have no psychic abilities ,if I did do you think I would be working at a hotel ?
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customer:Do you allow pets?
me:We allow service animals only.
Customer:I got a dog with me.
me:Is it a service animal?
Customer:No.
me:Then, we can’t allow it.

What I actually wanted to say:Do you think dogs are an exception to the policy or do you think that dogs are automatically considered service animals.

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as soon as I pick up the phone.
me:Thanks for calling hotel hilton,how may I help you?
Customer:Yes…hi…. Is this….. is thisssssaaaa……Hotel Hilton?
me:(after a second and a half long pause and an audible smile)Yes.

What I actually wanted to say:Where the heck were you when I said the greeting,didn’t you hear me say the name of the hotel?I am sure you heard me,because when I said the greeting message I was able to hear you breathe heavily,so I
am sure you had your phone by your ear.I waited for one and a half second before responding to you with yes because I thought that that pause would make you realize how ridiculous your question was and you would
correct your mistake by saying back to me”Yes you just said it is Hilton ,so I have the right number.I have used this pause strategy in the past and has worked but did not work with you.
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A customer at the desk
customer:How much is it for one night?
me:90
customer:Is it with tax or including tax?
me:(trying not to faint)I don’t know the difference between the two,but I will say $ 90 out the door .

What I actually wanted to say:How about I take you to 1st grade English class and your classmates will explain to you.Those toddlers will explain to you nicely by coming down to your level,maybe you will find that humiliating
enough and next time you will be a little thougthful.

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Here is a conversation where a customer, who’s trying to pay for a room provides me with a credit card that says Valued Customer instead of customer’s name ,in this case no hotel would take the card , and this is something
how conversation went
me:I can’t take it,it doesn’t have a name on it.
customer:But I have my I.D.
me:Yes,but I can’t match the name on your I.D. with this Credit Card.
customer:It is my card,I just got it.
me:It has to have a name on it.

What I actually wanted to say:Did I ask you if you have your I.D.?You better take some reading and comprehension class at a school.I said the so called your credit card doesn’t have your name on it.What if it belongs to
someone else,maybe you know that person who it belongs to and you guys have been doing it on purpose to all the unsuspecting businesses and then file for charge-back to get your money back .

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This couple has been staying since last evening and wants to extend their stay .But they let us know about this the following day in the morning,when they checked in they had actually wanted to stay only one night.

Customer:(first on the phone)I would like to extend my stay
Me:Sorry,We are sold out.
Customer:But how can you give this room away to someone,we are already staying inside it.
Me:You checked in yesterday ,so that room was under your name until check-out time today,now someone has reserved it for today and we don’t have any other rooms left.

Then they came to the desk and argued about the same thing .

What I actually wanted to say:Yesterday you checked in and paid for one night,so that room is yours until check-out time today.You probably did the same thing with school,you stayed in the same grade after the school year
was over and didn’t move on to the next grade.And why did you come to the desk with same dialogues you had already said over the phone did you think if I saw your face I might change my mind ,yes it’s possible but
after seeing your face I would want to do something that is to your loss only not to your benefit.
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Last but not at all the least,the people who always say haan? sorry?excuse me?say that again?etc when I say something the first time.
What I actually wanted to say:Are you not able understand something when someone says something once.Do you think that people have to tell you the instructions at least twice and then you only you are able to comprehend.
By the way the pause strategy has worked in this case also,I just pause after they ask me to repeat what I just said and 70% of the times it has worked; they suddenly respond to my question.

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